Well, well, well!!!!
Life has kicked me in the ass, flipped me, reversed it, and continued the cycle for the past few months. So much so, I had to take a brief pause on anything other than taking care of my precious boy.
You never really know how strong and resilient you are until you are put in a position to be only that.
These last few months I have been maneuvering being a single mother, depression, PPD, issues with my child’s father, guilt, and overthinking.
Being a single mother since my son was 3 months old is one of the hardest battles I have had to fight, daily. I never saw my life like this. I feel like every young girl dreams of the happy marriage, child, and awesome career. Once you get older you realize how hard it actually can be to maintain these things and still live life. As a single mom I have come across things that I never really realized I took for granted. First, just sitting or lying on the couch and watching tv or scrolling on my phone to relax. I have not gotten to do this, but maybe, 6 times from January to now – uninterrupted. Second, my showers are now strictly under 8 minutes. If my kid isn’t standing at the shower trying to get in(while crying) he is out of my site. Obviously that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Third, I can’t just go when I please. This isn’t such a big deal until I need to run to the store to get one or two items. Something that should only take 10-15 minutes is now a 30-45 minute trip. Fourth, not being able to cope with my emotions and feelings causing me to be overstimulated. This may be one of the hardest parts of being a single mom especially now that I am at the toddler stage. Working from home, taking care of a toddler, and trying to get a minute to yourself all day is almost IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!
Just imagine this in your head: You put your child down for bed at 7:45PM, they wake around 12:30AM, you get them back down within about 10-15 minutes(ON A GOOD NIGHT), you finally get to sleep and they wake again at 3:30AM, you get them back down and try to get back to sleep because you have to be up by 7AM for work. You hope they sleep until, atleast, 8AM so you can get some work done but they wake at 7:15AM. Now you are tending to their needs to make sure they are okay, you get back to work, while working you have a toddler whining and pulling on you to be picked up, you tell them not right now but they stay next to you and scream until you do, you also have pings and emails coming over that are urgent, but you have to make sure your child is okay. Now you have a snack and milk prepared for your child with their favorite show playing, you come back to your laptop to realize that you have over 8 issues waiting for you in your email and someone wanting you to call to discuss some things, now you have to go into overdrive. You are in overdrive trying to get work caught up while feeling guilty that you have to sit your kid in front of a TV to get work done. Lunch time come and you just want a second to yourself, so you try to sit on the couch and maybe have a snack, but because your toddler see you they want you to now help them on the couch so they can just climb all over your body and cry if you don’t pay them attention, so you do and your lunch is up and its back to business. Now you are at the end of day and need to debrief from the workday. You can’t because you have to get dinner started to make sure your toddlers stay on a schedule but while trying to cook dinner your toddler is literally climbing anything they can get on, so you are running back and forth trying to make sure they dont unalive themselves. You finally get them fed and get them bathed. Now, you have to literally wrestle a one-year-old to get their pamper on, lotion applied, and pajamas on so they can lay down. All of this is done, you’ve tried reading a book, and they are in the bed. It’s maybe 8PM at this time. You finally get some time to yourself, so you get a shower and eat. By this time, we are pushing 10PM-10:30pm. You are now forced with the decision of going to sleep or enjoying the little time you have to yourself because you know they are going to wake soon. You might start watching a show and all of a sudden you hear that first little whine. You give it a few minutes to see if they are going to self sooth and they don’t. So, now the cycle has restarted. You are literally doing this EVERY SINGLE DAY with small differences here and there. That is 3 jobs in 1. Corporate job, taking care of a child, and taking care of yourself.
These last few months I have not been able to tell the difference between regular depression and PPD. It honestly is all the same feels, but I feel like some of the daily struggles are different. With regular depression it’s the not eating, laying around, not feeling the need to clean and do daily things to live. Add the sprinkle of PPD and it gives a little shine to difficulty handling your child, withdrawing from people that love you, insomnia or over sleeping, intense irritability, fears of being a bad mother, shame, and hopelessness. It’s very intense.
My child’s father is a very long story for another day. Again, all I can say on this topic is – Him not being here has been so detrimental to me and I believe it is the same feeling for him. We are hoping that he will be here with us soon.
I feel like guilt and overthinking is normal when being a new mom but the extent of feeling it as a single mom is unmatched. These last few months have been the biggest roller coaster of this. The guilt of not being my best is the most tormenting thing I have ever experience in my head. I know I am being the best mother I can be but I also know that I can do better. unforeseen circumstances have really made this a difficult task for me, but I know God will never fail me. I have started back in therapy, and I am hoping it’s as affective as it was in the past.
Fingers crossed.
WTF MOM 